


Waves

by Birdgirl90



Series: Andi Collection [6]
Category: Metal Gear
Genre: A little cheesy too but that's what makes it good, Andi doesn't like water, F/M, Fluff, It's self indulgent but I couldn't stop myself
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 07:00:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10848852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Birdgirl90/pseuds/Birdgirl90
Summary: “Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's sent away.” ~ Sarah Kay





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovely readers!  
> This is an incredibly self indulgent piece I wrote, broken into two chapters. It started as a smut piece but then turned into a bit of an Andi character study. This is the cleaned up non-explicit version.  
> Enjoy!  
> ~Birdie

_ Costa Rica, 1974 _

 

“What do you mean you’ve never swum in the ocean before?”

Kaz raises an eyebrow in surprise and Andi can feel herself flush as they sit against the thick trunk of a broad leafed tree.  She’s been in Costa Rica for a while now, but the water...the water intimidates her.  She has a fear of drowning, of not being able to breathe until everything burns and goes black.  Even the thought of going more than waist deep in water makes her palms sweat.  She swallows.

“I uh...I don’t know how to swim, firstly,” she says quietly, mouth dry.  “Plus there are fish and weird things you can bump into…And also, people die in the water.”

“Says the girl who climbs trees for no reason other than to sit ten feet in the air,” Kaz teases lightly, threading his fingers through hers and lifting her hand to kiss the back of it gently.  “People die in trees too, you know.”

His lips on her skin make her heart race.  He’s 28 and handsome as hell, plus funny and smart to boot.  She still doesn’t understand why he spends so much time with her, kissing her so gently and holding her close.  Her days with him are full of shady trees and exploration of the forest, joking about nothing and learning each other; her nights in his lap while his hands travel her body, playing under her blouse and between her legs, sliding his hand down her pants to tease with nimble fingers, mouth at her throat, her arms around his neck, making her whine until she cries out.  He’s knowledge and humor and she’s beginning to think she’s bordering more than infatuation...which is bad, because even at 19 she has a pretty good idea of how this is going to end.  Regardless, though, the past few weeks have been amazing and she has no regrets.

“Yeah, well, at least I have padding if I fall,” Andi mutters, a glance at her hips and sides unavoidable, making her scrunch her face the tiniest bit, insecurity rising.

Kaz notices. 

“Hey now,” he croons as he stands.  He takes her hand and helps her up, wrapping his arms around her.  “None of that.  You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known, Rhee.”

Andi snorts quietly.  

“Doubtful, but thanks…”  She pauses as he kisses her nose.  “Rhee?”

Kaz laughs and kisses her forehead, hands playing at her soft hips. 

“Yeah,” he tells her, one hand moving to tilt her face up, the other moving to her ass for a moment.  “So Adrienne, but you go by Andi.  But Rhee - Ad- _ rie _ -nne - is cute and no one else will call you it, making it mine for you.”

Andi flushes a little and gives a small grin.  “Okay.  I like that.”

Kaz moves and wraps an arm around her, pulling her into his side as he starts to walk.  She lets him guide her, whispering sweet words, until they break out of the clearing and onto the sand.  Andi has no issue with the beach itself.  That’s how she met Kaz, after all, and the stars are so beautiful on the sandy shore.  But the water...the water and waves are things she’d rather see from afar.

“Rhee,” Kaz says slowly, turning to capture her hands and hold her fingers to his lips.  “Do you trust me?”

Andi knows in an instant what he’s planning and her palms start to sweat.  She squirms a little against him.  Does she trust him?  It’s an interesting question, something she hadn’t thought about before.  Obviously she must, she thinks, since she lets him guide her all over a landscape she isn’t familiar with, lets him kiss her and touch her even though she knows he could kill her if he wanted to, lets him in on her secrets and thoughts.  She trusts him, and she lo-

“Yes,” she tells him in a whisper.  “I trust you.”

Kaz gives a small smile and kisses her fingertips before releasing her and stepping back.  “I want you to feel the ocean, Rhee.  It really is a once in a lifetime kind of thing; I hate the idea of you missing out.  Let me share this with you.”

Andi turns and stares at the water, fear mingling with excitement at the thought of being in it with Kaz, wet and warm and safe.  After all, she knows he won’t let anything happen to her.  The fear is almost a reflex.  She turns to Kaz.

“I don’t have my swimsu - oh.”

He’s laid down his belt and holsters and has his green shirt open, revealing tight muscles and sunkissed skin.  He’s planning on skinny dipping, or at least going out in his underwear.  Which mean that that’s her option too.  The sun dips lower on the horizon, the sky turning pink like her ears, and she feels too warm as she watches him undress to his underwear.  His body is perfect, and hers is…

Kaz walks over and kisses her gently.  

“C’mon,” he whispers, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.  “I’ll wait for you.”

His voice tells her that he means that beyond tonight.  Her breath hitches, stomach in knots.  

“Okay,” she says, voice shaky.  “I trust you, Peace.”

Kaz grins.  Andi turns her back to him, knowing full well it doesn’t change the fact that he’s about to see her bare skin, the skin and body his hands know but his eyes don’t.  She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.  It’s now or never, and she opens her eyes and pulls her shirt over her head, throwing it and caution to the wind.  She works out of her jeans, stumbling a little, standing in her bra and panties as she turns back to Kaz.

Even behind his sunglasses she can see the desire in his eyes, and it makes her blush, heat across her face and in her belly and chest.  No one has ever wanted her before, and the fact that this man is looking at her as if she’s a goddess nearly overwhelms her.  She can feel the tears pricking at the edges of her eyes.  She covers her face and Kaz’s face turns to concern as he walks over.

“It’s okay, little bird, I’m not going to let anything happen to you,” he murmurs into her hair, hands around her waist, completely misreading her.  “You don’t need to be scared.”

Andi shakes her head, resting her forehead on his bare chest.  He smells so good and feels so good around her and this is it.  This is what everything has been leading up to.

“I’m not,” she says, lifting her head and wiping her eyes.  “I’m just really happy right now.  That’s all.”

She can’t say it yet.

She can run the risk of ruining everything.

Kaz smiles at her softly and runs a hand through her hair, kissing her nose.  He takes her hand and leads her with him into the water.  It’s warm as it swirls around her ankles and then her knees, but as soon as a wave pushes through, Andi clings to his hand with both of hers.  She isn’t going to die, she reminds herself, she’s with Kaz.  

She’s almost to her waist in water when he holds her close, lifting her up and wrapping arms around her waist.  She wraps her legs around him, locking them together, her chest pressed against his.  The silly thought of how wet her underwear is makes her laugh out loud.

Kaz holds her tighter and kisses her in the ocean spray, grinning at her laughter.  

“See?” he murmurs in her ear.  “It’s nice.”

Andi hums in agreement, though what she thinks is nice may be less the water and more his arms around her.  He walks deeper into the waves until she’s up to her shoulders in the warm water, and she feels weightless, free.  There are things below them, sure, but with his arms around her and hers wrapped around his neck, she has nothing to fear.  It’s an amazing sensation, being in the water without drowning.  

She’s almost completely relaxed when a large wave crashes over them.  Water goes up her nose and she panics, letting go of Kaz and reaching for her face, coughing instead of blowing out, unable to see or breathe for those few moments.  Kaz brushes the hair out of her eyes and she’s sure he can see the panic in them as he gets her to stop flailing.  Her throat burns and her eyes blur.

“Shhh, shh,” Kaz tells her quietly as she tries not to cry, already moving them to shore without her having to ask.  “It’s alright, just breathe slowly.  I got you.”

They make it to the shore and Kaz sets her on her feet before grabbing his shirt.  He wraps her in it as she shivers, the green fabric falling over her curves easily, then puts his pants on and grabs her clothes.  He wraps his arm around her and guides her through the jungle.  She vaguely realizes where they’re going, further confirmed when they stop in front of a wooden cabin.  She pauses and looks at him; he winks at her in wordless confirmation of the question she didn’t ask before leading her inside.  

      Once the door shuts behind her, Andi can’t stop the tears from spilling over.  She rubs her eyes with her palms, turning her back to Kaz, embarrassed for crying over something so stupid, for crying in front of him.

“Sorry,” she whispers as she wipes her eyes and holds her face in her hands.  “Sorry.”

Kaz moves to her.  He turns her so she’s facing him, taking her hands and kissing her fingers.  

“No,” he tells her quietly, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close to his bare chest.  “I’m sorry.  I knew you were afraid of the water, but didn’t realize you were that afraid.  I should have known better.”

“I have nightmares sometimes,” Andi confides in a whisper as Kaz moves her to a chair behind a makeshift desk.  “About drowning.”

Kaz looks at her, concern on his face before turning and putting on a pot of coffee.  They sit in silence for awhile, the smell of dark roasted beans filling the small room.  She looks around and takes it in.

“Is this your office?”

Kaz nods as he hands her a cup.  She gives him a small smile before taking a sip.  It’s hot and thick, and warms her from head to toe, her skin still covered in goosebumps.  While she’s drinking her coffee, Kaz carefully folds her jeans and blouse, setting them by the small stove before pouring his own cup and pulling up an extra chair to sit by her.

“Yup,” he tells her with a sly grin.  “It’s not much, but it gets the job done.  Paperwork and meetings and everything else…”

“I like it,” Andi tells him.

He quirks his eyebrow, grin still on his face.  

“I was hoping you would,” he says, sipping his coffee.  A moment passes before his face turns soft.  “So...nightmares?”

Andi nods.  She looks into her cup, watching the dark swirls of thick liquid.

“Yeah,” she tells him, not looking up.  “I have these nightmares where I’m in the middle of the water.  I can’t touch bottom and the waves are rough.  There’s a shore where I can see my family waving for me, but no matter how hard I swim, it never gets closer.  I get tired and the waves crash over me...and I have trouble breathing when I wake up.”

Kaz’s hand finds her face, tilting it up to look at him.  He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, brushing his thumb across her cheek.

“That’s horrible, Rhee,” he whispers.  “I am so sorry.  I had no idea.  I’m supposed to take care of my girlfriend and here we are.”

Andi laughs a little.  “It’s not exactly something you talk about with your…Wait.  Girlfriend?”

Kaz grins at her before finishing his coffee.  “Well yeah,” he says lightly.  “Isn’t that what you are?”

Andi feels something light and warm bubble in her chest.  A giggle spills over, and suddenly she’s laughing, a cascade of music in the still of the cabin.  Kaz looks at her and she realizes this is probably not the reaction he was expecting and that he might think she’s laughing at him.  She sets her coffee on the desk and covers her mouth.

“Oh my god,” she says through her laughter.  “I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you, I’ve just never had a boyfriend before and this is.  Wow.  Just...wow.  I thought I was maybe just a fling or something.”

Kaz stands up, pushing his aviators in his hair.  His blue eyes travel her body and face, and Andi can feel the flush grow in her face as he towers over her, hands on the arms of her chair, leaning down to place a soft kiss on her lips.

“Well,” he breathes against her, and she feels a burning heat growing in her belly.  “Now you have one.  If you’ll have me, that is.”

Andi reaches up and moves his sunglasses to the desk before threading her fingers through his fair blond hair.  She’ll never get used to the feeling of it in her hands and she isn’t sure she wants to, savoring the way it makes him shiver ever so slightly.

“I’ll always want you,” she sighs.  “Always and forever, Peace.”

Kaz kisses her again, slow and deliberate.  She sighs into him as he deepens the kiss, lips hungry and low moans falling from his lips, tasting of the dark roasted coffee she’ll never get used to.  Andi feels like she’s on fire, her grip tightening in his hair as she tries to pull him impossibly closer.  Kaz nibbles at her lower lip, kiss becoming sloppy and hot as she opens her mouth for him and lets him taste and explore her.  It’s as if he’s memorizing every bit of her, and when he rests his forehead against hers, his pants match the heaving of her chest.

“I want you so badly, Rhee,” he groans, voice deep and low.  “And I don’t know what to do with it.  It’s killing me.”

Andi tilts her face and kisses him once.  “You could...um, we could...I really want you too and we…”

Kaz pulls back and looks at her, blue eyes hungry as he searches her face.  

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he tells her quietly.  “We both know things could change in a moment, that my base could move, that war could come.  I don’t want to do something you might regret.  I can’t.”

Andi presses on his chest and he moves back.  She stands up and gives a stretch, his shirt rising over her hips, panties visible.  She raises her own eyebrow as he bites his lower lip, and she knows this is it.  This is what she wants.

“What was it you said earlier?” she says, mouth dry.  “I think it was ‘let me share this with you.’  And that’s what I want.  I want you as my first, even if this falls apart.”

Before he can respond, she turns her back to him and slides his shirt off her shoulders so she’s bare except for her panties and bra.  She turns back to him, suddenly both shy and determined.  She steps forwards and presses her chest against his while wrapping her arms tight around him, drawing a low whispered moan from him.

“Please?” she whispers.

Kaz kisses her, a small sigh on his lips, and lifts her on the desk.  She kisses him back, eagerly, hungrily, his hands wandering her body as she breathes hard.  

“I want to do this to you all night,” he murmurs.  “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to make love to you.”

“Show me,” she breathes.  “Teach me.”

He dips down again, kissing her hard. He’s lips and fingers and palms, just as hungry as her and needy, attentive to her needs and sighs and moans.  It’s pleasure and pain, a little awkward and full of giggles and sighs, fumbling here and there, slight fingers and breathless cries, until at last she cries out, his body trembling in and around her, following not a heartbeat behind her in ecstasy. They linger for a moment, breathing hard.  

Andi’s lightheaded as Kaz steps back to put his clothes back on, not bothering to button his shirt before lifting her off the desk.  He helps her dress, slowly drawing fingers over her skin as he latches her bra and slides her shirt over her shoulders, kissing her hair and cheek.  She’s tired and happy and sated until she glances out the window of the makeshift office and realizes how late it is.

“I can’t go back at this point,” she says quietly.  “What do I do?”

Kaz takes her hands and kisses her fingers.  

“Stay the night,” he murmurs.  “I can walk you back in the morning.”

“Okay,” Andi says with a smile and sigh, no trace of hesitation in her being.

She lets Kaz guide her from his office to a smaller cabin, one just big enough for a cot and a dresser.  The moonlight lights it up and Andi wraps her arms around Kaz’s chest, holding him tight; he holds her back for a brief moment before untangling and guiding her to his bed.

“I’m sorry we didn’t wait to do that on the bed,” he sighs, a small frown on his face.  “I should have -”

Andi beams, running her fingers over his jaw as he crawls into the bed with her. 

“It was perfect.  Besides, you said all night...”

Kaz laughs and wraps his arms tight around her, securing her to his chest.  

“Easy there, little bird.  Let’s see how you feel in a bit.”

It’s amazingly quiet, his heartbeat against her ear and quiet humming under his breath mixing with the tree frogs outside to make a perfectly lullaby.  She could stay like this forever, wrapped in him.  Her heart aches.

“I love you, Peace” she whispers suddenly before she can stop herself, words more honest and true than anything she’s ever said to anyone.  “Keep me with you?”

Kaz kisses her nose and sighs.  

“That’s...” he starts, voice thick.  “Loving me is a bad idea. You deserve better.  You deserve better than this.  Than me.  I love you, god knows how much, and that’s why you can’t stay.”

Andi can’t stop the knot in her chest.  This isn’t fair, how can he know that, know what she wants and deserves?  But she knew what this was when she get into it, knew it wasn’t a lasting thing, knew he could and would leave at any point.  You’re such a little girl, she tells herself, with ideas of romance that will never survive reality.  She gives a dry laugh to mask the sob threatening to rise up from her throat before breaking the momentary silence.

“Just don’t forget me.”

“Never.”

Andi can’t stop herself, grinning as her eyes burn.

“I’m keeping your stupid yellow scarf.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Two people making love, she once said, are like one drowned person resuscitating the other.” ~Anatole Broyard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there lovely readers!  
> Here is the second part of the self indulgent fic. This is once again the non explicit version. I really like writing these emotional character scenes. Something about it gives me great enjoyment.  
> Enjoy!  
> ~Birdie

_ Seychelle Waters, 1984 _

 

Andi stands by the railing of one of the high platforms when Kaz finds her.  He isn’t surprised and chuckles to himself as he walks; it may not be a tree, but there’s no stopping the girl when she wants a view.  He pauses to admire her silhouette in the cloudy light, his eyes fuzzy even with his aviators.  She’s so beautiful that it takes his breath away.  She’s aged gracefully at nearly 30, much more so than his close to 40, still curves and light laughs and sparkling eyes, a new quickness on her tongue that she hadn’t discovered prior.  When she let him kiss her at last earlier this week, he was almost afraid it was a dream and that he’d wake only to fall back into his nightmares.  

He hasn’t been able to stop thinking about her lips against his, still sweet and soft, her soft hip in his hand and her breasts against his chest, even if it was just for a few moments.  He lays in bed at night thinking of her as he touches himself, the kiss igniting a part of himself he forgot he had.  He pushes the flames starting to flicker at him as he looks at her.

“You just going to stand there all night, Peace?  Not much of a view.”

Kaz grins at her, a grin he hasn’t used since everything fell apart.

“How do you know?” he calls up to her.  “Maybe some of us like looking at pretty girls from below.”

Andi snorts loudly.  “Knowing you, you’re probably trying to look up my skirt,” she retorts.  “Perv.”

Kaz hadn’t been (he’s not sure he could see that far regardless), but the thought of her panties - in his mind he sees them as white cotton like they were so long ago, but maybe that’s wrong, he doesn’t know - under her skirt on the curves of her ass makes his body burn.  He chews on his lip.  There’s a pause; for once in his life, he can’t think of anything to say.

“You know though,” Andi says at last.  “The view is better up here.  Even though it’s going to rain.  You can see for miles.”

Kaz rolls his neck, forever sore from sitting at his desk, and starts moving again, climbing the stairs to the platform painfully slow.  He curses his crutch and his leg not for the first time, thankful that Andi hasn’t turned to look at him or say anything.  At last he makes it to the platform, crossing in his uneven gait to the railing next to her.  He rests his crutch against the metal, his arm brushing hers.

“You’re right,” he says seriously as he quite obviously looks her body up and down.  “The view is much better up here.”

Andi rolls her eyes. 

“Stop that.  I’m already fucked, you know that?” 

She lays her chin on her arm over the railing, dark hair tangling in the breeze, face open and relaxed.  Kaz takes a picture of her in his mind, one he can hold onto if things fall apart again.  He wants to remember her like this, in this fleeting moment.  

“Is that so?”

“I was fucked from the moment I met you and we both know it,” she says, turning her head to look at him, half a smile on her face.

“I thought for sure it wasn’t til later on that I fucked you, but I could be wrong,” he teases, knowing full well what she meant. 

Andi lifts her head and punches his arm.  

“Yeah, fucked me and left.  Jerk,” she adds, words without any bite.

“I can’t deny it,” he says with a barking laugh, holding his hand up in surrender.  

His face grows serious again as he remembers the past and way things could have been instead of how they went. 

“I really was a jerk, wasn’t I...I’m so sorry, Andi,” he sighs, the words coming off his tongue like molasses.  “Things...never go according to plan.”

Kaz sighs and Andi scoots into his side.  He wraps his arm around her, holding her close.  At least now, with her here, things feel better, even just a little.  He can breathe again; he almost feels whole.  He kisses the top of her head, breathing deep the strawberry shampoo and subtle perfume she quietly requested from the commissary, a small piece of home among the sea.  It reminds him of when he met her on the warm beach, back when the only thing that mattered to him was MSF and strumming his guitar to have a good time.

He didn’t realize how much he missed having this, a human connection away from blood and money and guns.  The closest he’s gotten until now is the poking from Ocelot every time he brings extra work into Kaz’s office with a quip, and while Kaz has grown to a point where it doesn’t bother him so much, he still doesn’t count it as the same.

“You wouldn’t have been happy,” she says quietly.  “I couldn’t take that from you.  Hell, I was only 19, Kaz, I didn’t even know what I wanted.  Besides you, that is.  And anyway, you’re stubborn enough that even if the world was burning you wouldn’t have left.”

“You're more right than you know,” he tells her, almost to himself.

She was right, the world did burn and yet he stayed.  He stayed through it all, the rebuild and the pain and the loss.  He picked up the ashes when it would have been safer to leave because he just couldn’t stay away, could he?  Even when it cost him his limbs.  Even when it nearly cost him his life.  Even when it cost him her.  Even now, he knows he would die for this base if it was asked of him.  It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

It’s quiet, the waves crashing against the base and a light laugh from her lips brings him back to the moment.  Rain starts, slow and light, small echoing drops on the sea of metal and Andi turns her face up to it, eyes closed. She sighs, the softness nearly swallowed by the waves.  Kaz’s eyes travel the curve of her neck and his heart jumps the tiniest amount.

“I never did learn to swim, you know,” Andi says at last, eyes still closed.  “I figured I didn’t need it in the middle of nowhere Kansas.  And yet, here I am in the middle of the ocean on a base full of metal where there are bigger things to worry about than people dying in the water.  I don’t know if that’s irony or what.”

Kaz turns her words over in her head, remembers her fear of the water and death beneath the dark waves.  He looks straight ahead at the water, fuzzy and lost in his eyes.  He’s sure of the answer, but he can’t stop himself.

“Do you still have nightmares?” he asks quietly. 

Andi opens her eyes and stares straight ahead; when Kaz glances at her out of his peripheral, she’s chewing her lip with her brow scrunched.  The silence stretches on until he’s a little unnerved.  He opens his mouth to break it but she beats him to it.

“Sometimes,” comes her quiet reply.  She hesitates before continuing.  “They’re different now though.  Instead of me being under the waves alone, it’s you...and I’m watching you from the shore as the tide takes you out and away from me...and there’s...there’s nothing I can do…”

Kaz looks at her as she blinks hard, still staring ahead of her.  He kisses the top of her head.  He knows the pain of nightmares, his own filled with dark rooms and dim lights and cold sweats, waking himself up with his own yelling.  And lately, they’ve taken a turn where she’s the one he has to rescue...and sometimes it’s too late.  Those are the nights he wakes up with salt on his face and fingers shaking as they take the pills that make the world stop spinning so hard, bile in the back of his throat.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he tells her, voice low and thick.  “Promise.  I don’t get remotely close to the water these days.”

Andi lets out a short laugh.  “Yeah, I know,” she says as she looks at him, turning in his arm.  “Besides, you’re too stubborn to drown.  Which I’m thankful for.”

She’s so beautiful, so different and yet the same, and he realizes that he loves her, never stopped loving her.  It’s too much and Kaz leans down and kisses her, kisses her just like he did back in ‘74, back when things were warm and light and the moonlight wasn’t wrapped in cold rain.  He kisses her with every memory he possesses of her, every reassurance he can’t voice, every bit of love he has for the woman she’s turned into until she’s panting against him, hands on his chest, her face flushed as he tries to catch his breath.  The rain kicks up and he realizes they can’t stay out here, but he’s so afraid of breaking the moment, this moment he’s longed for. 

Andi shivers.

“C’mon,” Kaz says in a low voice.  “Let’s get in where it’s dry.  I can’t have you catching a cold.”

He guides her down the stairs, steadies her with his arm when she slips a little on the wet metal.  He’s pleased when she wraps an arm around his waist, her pace matching his almost perfectly.  He’s faster once they hit the ground, practice and experience coming to his aid as he shuffles her into the building.  Andi’s wet hair hangs around her face and she giggles like a teenager; for a moment, she looks so young.  Kaz can’t stop himself from tucking a damp strand behind her ear before pressing her up against the wall of the hallway and kissing her fiercely, chest heaving as he leans down and rests his forehead in the crook of her neck.  She plays with his hair, moving his beret for better access, her own breaths shallow and fast.  He kisses her neck before lifting himself again, her fingers moving from the top of his head to his temples.

“You’ve got some grey going on there, Commander,” Andi teases breathlessly.

“Oh god,” Kaz groans in response.  “Don’t fucking remind me.  Everything else hurts enough to do the job.”

And it’s true.  His hair, once his pride, is unkempt and turning grey.  His neck always hurts and his eyes blur when he doesn’t wear his aviators - once for fashion but now prescription - and he aches when he walks.  He can still feel the pains where his limbs used to be, and he’s started getting horrible migraines that leave copper in his mouth, all constant reminders that he isn’t young like he used to be.  Not to mention the moments of extreme anxiety...

Andi shakes her head and brushes her fingers back through his hair before trailing them down his jaw, running over his beard before resting on his chest.  She studies his face hard, concern in her eyes.  It’s not the patronizing pity so many on base give him, but sincere worry for him; he’s forgotten how good it feels to have someone care for him.  He sighs.

“You still work too hard,” Andi says, drumming her fingers.  “You’re walking yourself to a premature grave, you realize that?  More like a run at this rate.  But...I do like the grey.”

Kaz snorts.  

“It makes me look old.”

He really feels his age as he searches her still youthful face and tries to swallow the frustration at himself.  She really could do better, deserves better than a broken, angry man; she always deserved better than him, and he still doesn’t understand why she insists on him.  She deserves someone who can take her places, make her laugh, hold her with two arms and a whole heart, someone who can actually teach her to swim like he should have done so many years ago, someone - 

Andi reaches up on tiptoes and kisses him lightly, breaking his never ending thoughts.

“It makes you look dignified,” she whispers.  “God knows you earned every strand coming in.”

Kaz sighs.  

“Dignified?  Really, Rhee?”

Andi laughs a little.  

“Well, yeah,” she says with a playful smile as she pulls away from him.  “More so than Costa Rica.”

“Hey now,” Kaz protests, puffing his chest a little, the weight in it lifted by her banter.  “I was still Commander back then too, you know.”

Andi pushes on his chest with a finger. 

“Maybe, but you sat on a beach and played a guitar and acted like nothing mattered.  I mean, come on.”

Kaz laughs, full on laughs.  She’s got him.  Maybe behind closed doors he was all business, but with her he really must have seem like frat boy.  He laughs at himself and he laughs at the situation and he laughs for all the years he thought he’d never laugh again.

“Goddamnit Rhee, I love you.”

“I know,” Andi says with a sigh and a tug on his tie.  “And I never stopped loving you, so...what are you going to do about it?”

“This.”

He pins her to the wall again and kisses her harder than before, biting her lower lip with a growl, crutch on the ground and hand on the wall beside her head.  She whines, breathless noises he captures in his own moans.  She’s still soft and sweet and all too eager to grant him access to her mouth as he kisses her hot and sloppy, all tongue and teeth and moaning sighs.  He pulls away when he can’t breathe, panting with his forehead against hers as she collapses against his heaving chest.

“How’s that?” he asks breathlessly.

Andi wraps her arms around his neck. 

“B-better than I remember, to be honest.  But...is the hall really a good place for this?”

Kaz frowns.  She’s right.  The hall may be empty, but who knows for how long; even though he wants to take her right this moment, the risk of being seen is too great.  Rumors run like wildfire here and there is no way in hell that he wants her subjected to that.  He takes stock of where they are.  His office and room are too far for his liking at this moment, he doesn’t think he has the patience to wait the time it takes to get down the hall and up a floor...fucking her in the hallway still looks like a good option, though quick and dirty isn’t exactly what he’s hoping for…

“My room is just there,” Andi breathes, kissing his nose once and pulling his attention back to her.  “The bed isn’t the comfiest thing ever but..”

Kaz nods and kisses her one last time before taking his crutch and following her lead to her room.  The door shuts behind them and it takes everything he has to not jump her.  

The room’s small, a standard soldier quarters, but one lucky enough to have a window.  She locks the door before turning to him.  His hand finds her face and tilts it up, kissing her slowly this time.  He’s hungry and he’s waited so long for this, for her, and yet.  It’s like he’s in Costa Rica again and touching her for the first time, and he needs to savor this, savor her.  He leans closer, and for a moment he forgets his body and tries to wrap an arm around her while touching her face.  He pulls back, disgusted at himself, and takes a few unsteady steps away from her.

“Fuck Rhee, I’m…” 

Kaz gives a sigh and blinks hard, frustrated at his body, at himself.  He can’t look at her.

“I can’t...I can’t...I’m not a whole man and you shouldn’t-”

“Would you shut up?”

The bite in her voice causes him to snap his head to look at her.  Andi’s staring at him, a frown on her face.  She crosses her arms.

“Kazuhira Miller, you always thought you knew what I wanted and what I should do,” she says with a frustrated sigh.  “You never stop to think that maybe I actually know what it is I’m getting into or that I actually, you know, know what it is I want.”

Kaz opens his mouth before closing it just as quickly.  She’s right, he always assumes he knows what’s best for everyone, always assumed he knew what was best for her then and even now...The fire in her eyes and lines on her face show him that he was very clearly wrong.  Quiet builds and the silence muffles his ears until he’s sure he’s going deaf.

“It’s...going to be different,” he says at last.

Andi sighs and closes the distance between them.  She places her hands on his chest as she looks up at him, face soft.

“You think I don’t know that?” she asks quietly.  

“And it’s...been a while,” he whispers, mouth dry.  “I don’t know how…”

Andi kisses him softly.  

“Then we’ll figure it out together, won’t we.  After all...we have all night.”

She grins devilishly, a sight that drives a burning iron through the core of his being.  He’s truly underestimated her, and suddenly he feels lighter.  They linger for a moment before Kaz lays back, pulling Andi with him.  Her breath falls quietly on his skin and Kaz wraps his arm tighter around her, kissing her nose and forehead and the top of her head.  She sighs happily under his touches, and he knows he’ll never be able to let her go again.  He can’t.  She’s such a pivotal part of his life, one he couldn’t have ever predicted when he met the shy teenage girl on the beach so many years ago.

He’s right, it is different.  And yet, it’s so much the same, full of quiet sighs and scattered giggles, fumbling like teenagers in the dark.  There’s a current of desperation underneath every needy action, sloppy, careless, and for once he feels the weight of the base fall completely from his shoulders.  Here he isn’t Commander, he’s just Kaz, and she’s here again, soft in his hand and against his body and it’s like he can breathe again.  He’s pleased he still knows how to pleasure a woman, letting her movements and cries guide him, and when she cums with a final whine, his own release follows alarmingly fast.  

They lay there, on her small bed in the dark, breathing slowing.  She traces small patterns on his chest and he kisses the top of her head, breathing in the sweet scent of her shampoo.  After a while, Andi shifts and sits up with a small yawn.  Kaz’s afraid to let her go as she disentangles herself from him and stretches to stand.  Sensing his distress, she leans down and kisses him softly before leaving the bed, her soft body outlined in the dark as she walks to her dresser.  He moves to watch her better, pushing himself up on his forearm.  She pulls something out of the drawer and holds it up, and his heart hurts as he realizes what it is.

His “stupid yellow scarf.” 

She’s kept it all these years, he realizes, his heart in his throat.  She kept it, she kept him, she never let him go just like he never let her go...In a moment he imagines her young heart bleeding for a man she thought she’d never see again, holding his scarf as she cried into it at night, a growing woman using it for her hair as she tried to move on with her life, never fully able to let go...

“That looks familiar,” he manages as she lays herself back down beside him, head on his chest.  “After all this time…”

“Yeah,” she whispers, voice cracking.  “I...I couldn’t let you go, even after I knew it was over.  It was like you haunted me.  I tried to get rid of it, I really did, I even tried to burn it -” she holds up a slightly singed corner of the ascot “- but I just...I just couldn’t, Kaz.  I couldn’t do it.  I was afraid that getting rid of this would mean it didn’t happen.  I…”

Andi looks at him, eyes wet, a small laugh escaping as he kisses her nose.  He can’t say anything, can’t speak around the lump in his throat and the pain in his chest and the sorrow at the pain he caused her and himself in the process.

“I stopped having nightmares for a while,” Andi tells him, swallowing hard to try to keep her voice level.  “I used to sleep with it on my pillow when things were impossibly hard.  Those were the nights I dreamed of the sun and trees and you...until I hit a point where I realized they were killing me.  So I put it in a drawer and left it, choosing nightmares over...I was so stupid, wasn’t I?”

“No,” Kaz whispers.  He holds her tightly to his chest, her ear against his heart.  “There was no stupid, Rhee.  We lived in the moment and we knew what it was, and we couldn’t let go when we needed to.  I...I never stopped thinking of you.  When I was in bed with other women, with other men, it was always you I was thinking of.  When everything fell apart and I was alone in the ocean, I thought I was going to die...”

He swallows hard.  He’s never told anyone this, this vulnerability, this piece of his heart and of himself.  She tilts her face and kisses his throat softly.

“And I thought of you.  I...found god long enough to thank him for you, and I closed my eyes.”

Andi’s breath hitches and she looks up at him, her eyes wide.  He runs his fingers through her disheveled dark hair.  

“You don’t believe in god,” she whispers.  “You never have.”

“That might have changed some,” he murmurs lowly, moving his lips to the top of her head.  “Maybe there is a god.  Maybe there isn’t.  But whatever it is that makes things move outside our control, I’m so thankful they brought you to me.”

Andi sobs as she wraps her arms around him.  Kaz runs his hand down her back slowly, his throat raw.  She cries into his chest for him, for her, for the tears he can’t bring himself to shed anymore, for the time they lost.  He hears their whole lives in her choked cries, the pain of her heart and the ache of his soul, ripping at him and causing him to sob along with her, a cascading waterfall he’s held onto for ten years full of longing and sorrow and loneliness and want and hatred for himself, for this life, for the wars he can’t stop fighting and the wounds they bring him.  He doesn’t know how long they lay there, crying into each other, until at last, hiccuping and sniffing, they’ve run dry.

Andi looks at him, her face blotchy, and she laughs, raw and open. 

“Oh Kazuhira,” she says through her laughs, “I love you.  I love you, I love you, I love you, Iloveyou.”

Kaz finds himself laughing with her, his heart cleansed of everything he’s held so tightly, the knot in his chest gone completely and his years lightening until he feels, even if it’s just for a moment, like he did back in 1974.  He kisses her, kisses her like he’s never kissed anyone before, her swollen lips against his.

“I love you,” he chokes.  “Oh god, Rhee, I love you so much. This really is hell though. Angels don’t belong here.”

Andi traces his face. 

“Don’t do this again, jerk,” she mutters.

He laughs quietly before she lets out a small whisper.

“I love you Peace...keep me with you?”

Kaz kisses her tenderly.  He’s exhausted and warm and complete and the yellow scarf she drops to the floor takes the weight of the world with it, even if only just for the night.  He kisses the top of her head as she closes her eyes.

“Always,” he breathes into her.  “Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, dear readers!  
> See you at the next fic!  
> ~Birdie

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, lovely readers!  
> See you at the next chapter!  
> ~Birdie


End file.
